I’m just about to jump into the shower…again. It seems my natural rose petal scent of a woman needs a little refreshing before I venture out into the human world on this absolutely stunning summer day. There’s even a cool angelic breeze wafting off the lake— more of a reason to lather up those suds, lest I leave a trail of fallen men in my wake. It must be those heels again.

That’s it! The stream of gasping gudgeons are merely smitten with the ultimate cosmic power of a Woman Not Waiting creating a magnetic draft that sucks them into her feminine vortex. Muahahaha!

Or… maybe my furry girl Lola isn’t the best judge of what is considered the optimum level of pheromones for human sniffing pleasure. Enough said. Off to the shower.

If you haven’t caught me walking my dog at the break of dawn, that’s because I don’t. She rolls out of bed around 8AM, thank Dog!  The break of dawn just sounds more dramatic. Nevertheless, my physical presence is still “au natural”.

Do you remember Cousin Itt from the original Adams Family? I think we share the same hair gene.

Indeed, my hair is quite long and somewhat of a challenge. Yet massive overflows at the city sewage treatment plant do not plague this great booming metropolis when I wash it. Here’s my little secret.

There’s nothing like some good head action to start the saturation process and the longer the hose the better. Professionals know how to lather you up so why not do it to yourself at home. Profession hairdressers ladies, tsk tsk.

What you’ll need to do (if you haven’ t already enjoyed the many creative uses of a hand-held showerhead) is to ride your electric scooter to the local hardware store. Those water efficient showerheads that just drizzle on you for 20 minutes just won’t measure up.

But don’t they conserve water and thus are the optimal choice for a dutiful Steward, you ask?

Of course…if you’re bald.

But if you have your own ecosystem growing on top of your head that is so thick it puts out fires (True story. It happened twice in my life), then the piddler of a low pressure showerhead has the same effect as walking through the atmospheric soup in tropical Toronto.

You need some good solid pressure to get a bush like that clean.

Now if you’re not the wrench and grease kind of woman then find another Woman Not Waiting for a man to do her plumbing for her (ahem…focus) or ask a man for help. There are still some good plumbers out there.

Ok. So you’ve acquired the necessary equipment and are ready to save the planet. Here’s the plan:

  • get naked— you’ll save water that way, especially if you’re wearing a raincoat
  • Stand facing the showerhead and bend over— CAUTION: make sure you are alone in the shower when you do this…we wouldn’t want any accidents now would we? 😉
  • Flip the lever and douse the mane for about 10 seconds
  • Shut off the water, goop on some shampoo, and lather away— take as long as you like here, unless it’s winter time and the ice storm blew your power out
  • Turn the water back on and rinse— One minute should do it
  • Shut off the water and repeat the wash cycle— rake your fingers through the underbrush that you missed the first time
  • On with the water again— One minute
  • Off with the water, condition, comb the knots out, twist the hair into a snake, and paste it back as you stand back up— now the body
  • Showerhead on. Hose yourself down— 10 seconds
  • Showerhead off. Lather up— scrub scrub scrub the bits in order of increasing offensiveness or from top to bottom, your choice
  • Now for the final rinse cycle— 2 more minutes, hair first then the body

And the tally is:

A shower time of 4:20 with a standard showerhead handheld hose rate of 17.1 L/min or 4.5 US gallons/min (according to Environment Canada) for a total of:

74.1 L or 19.5 US gallons

Yikes! That’s a lot of water! I wonder if the 1980s Sinead O’Connor look would suit me.

Luckily my hair doesn’t adapt well to daily cleansing (wild fires you know) so my usual body only shower takes 1:10, 19.95 L or 5.25 US gallons, a little less than one flush of a standard toilet!

What about you? Any showering secrets you would like to share?