If Gaea, our mother Earth, were lounging on Dr. Freud’s couch right now she would be ripe with resentment to which old Sig would reply: “Tell me about your childhood.”

How can such a celestial body be left wanting?

Man-unkind is stripping her extremities of their ice cold coverings without her consent and exposing the hidden wonders beneath to the lustful eyes of corporations. Was he hoping to cure her frigidity thinking she would warm up to his advances? Advances aimed at exploiting her unconditional love, taking and taking, until she is an empty barren shell?

Indeed Gaea has warmed up to man-unkind but not in the way that would nurture a womb for his progeny. All that forceful in-and-out pumping action of the big drills has done no good for her albedo. She is hot, bothered, and eternally frustrated.

Furthermore, this arranged human-celestial marriage even fails to satisfy the insatiable needs of her spouse. So what the frack?

Gaea longs for the healthy albedo she once enjoyed. She was confident, glistening with pride, and the envy of the galaxy. She could take the sun’s heat and shout: “Right back at you, fireball!” But no more. Her ability to reflect the sun, her albedo, is in question.

The polar ice caps are thinning. The waters around them are warming and melting the ice floating in Gaea’s Dark Ocean Martini from below. As more ice melts the Martini gets watered down further until there is absolutely no hope of raising her albedo at all. And on land, the heat keeps rising until the ground her glaciers cover up do the same (see Earth’s Albedo and Global Warming for an excellent short animated tutorial).

She might look like she’s lifting her shiny white skirt for her “man”, but in effect he might as well kiss her albedo good-bye.

“Sorry Hon, you won’t be getting anymore love from this planet.” Unless…

…unless the Stewards annul the arranged marriage (nothing fun going on in the bedroom anyway) and replace it with a loving partnership.

Pasting on a white dress to cover up her greenery might appease her modesty for a while but it’s a feeble attempt to buy back her affection, much like sending someone a bouquet of apology roses. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about.

Sending out little mirrors into space to bypass her lack of albedo is an insult to Gaea’s complexity.

Whatever geoengineering we can conceive, yes, we can achieve, but if nature has taught us anything so far is that Gaea is always one step ahead. The proper and respectable solution is to address the fundamental issue behind mother nature’s loss of interest, which is…

…drilling leads to burning leads to warming leads to melting leads to albedo crash leads to a hot and frustrated all powerful goddess.

Hang a sec. Don’t plastics also come from fossil fuels? Hmmm. BPA Soup Anyone?

So how do we cure a low albedo? By avoiding the lure of planetary Viagra and by stopping the chain reaction at its source. Fossil fuels.

Gaea is not waiting around while we debate the issue. She’s filing for divorce and taking the house!