Apparently, the ocean has a fertility problem and the crisis has led to much bickering between the Royal Couple.

On one hand we have the fatherly protective instinct who is in touch with his emotional side, and on the other, a woman who understands her husband’s passion for wildlife conservation but tires of the obsessive dinner table conversations on the subject. It’s not that she doesn’t care about the human gluttony consuming a disproportionate amount of creatures, some for reasons of vanity and outlandish medicinal claims, she simply has more immediate concerns with her own personal health to address…such as iron deficiency.

And so the Royal Couple are seeking council and limiting their public appearances together until their issues can be resolved. Just recently her Royal Highness appeared alone at the christening of the Royal Princess while her husband focused on his higher calling.

Yes. It’s heartbreaking but true. The regal pair won’t be breaking algae with the Queen of Planktonia as a couple any time soon. Who knows when they will next sail into her palace with their pearl shell chariot drawn by dolphins.

Oh dear? Did I just start a twitter storm? You didn’t think I was talking about THE Royal Couple now, did you?

No, no. I am talking about the king of the deep and his consort— Neptune and Salacia.

Salacia has been losing iron since the Fairtry, the world’s first factory-freezer trawler, arrived on the Grand Banks in 1951. It was the first of a wave of new human fishing vessels capable of decimating an entire kingdom of loyal subjects. Even the nets rivaled the ones in Salacia’s  hair which did not please her Royal Goddess of salt water one bit.

Neptune responded to the decline of his empire in kingly fashion by wooing a few younger nymphs in order to conserve the wildlife but they were only capable of producing smaller sea dwellers. His larger tax base was in danger of collapse in the Water of Cod and in 1992 Neptune’s worst fears were realized. The Royal Couple were forced to move to the West Coast of the human land mass called Canada.

In the Water of Salmon the situation was in decline yet manageable until 2009 when 86% of the Royal Couple’s new constituents failed to deliver their eggs to the monarchy’s retreat up the Fraser River. Salacia was beside herself and despite her weakened condition as her anemia worsened, she decided to request an audience with Plankta, the Queen of Planktonia, to ask for help.

Meanwhile Neptune “regretfully” sacrificed all his energy to an even greater harem of nymphs than he had in the east, again with altruistic intentions. But even the King of the Deep could not satisfy the needs of the frisky concubines and they quickly lost interest in nesting. Rumour has it though that he pimped up his chariot as compensation for his lack of…well…you know.

Back in the Water of Planktonia, the Queen took one look at Salacia’s pale brittle scales and gasped. She had thought that only her Queendom had been affected but the evidence before her was irrefutable. These were desperate times that called for desperate measures. The very beasts that were responsible for the ocean-wide affliction in the first place were their only recourse. She made the call and hoped for the best.

Plankta had heard from distant relatives in the south that humans had been experimenting with iron-fertilization as a possible solution to  the nutrient deficiency, but commercially based trials were not yet sanctioned. However, rumour had it that a rogue scientist from the US was interested in a large-scale experiment since his company, Planktos, Inc. had been denied one back in 2007 off the Galapagos Islands.

So in July 2012 the scientist turned business man dumped 100 tonnes of iron-rich dust into the ocean off Haida Gwaii, claiming his heart-felt love for Gaea as his guiding motive not his plans to make millions off a carbon credit market he intended to create in the process. Hmmm. Interesting.

The result?

Salacia and the Queen of Planktonia got a temporary iron boost but our Royal Couple are now placing all of their hopes on “in-dusto” fertilization. Alas, the source of their marital difficulties remains, their drug pusher has been fired, and a nasty hangover is likely stirring in the depths.

What do you think? Should Neptune and Salacia leave Earth to start over on the moon and save their marriage?

Or should they become another statistic in the ecological failings of the human race?